thinking things out

the past days were on and off struggle to let go...well as expected, its not that easy...it doesnt happen overnight. every morning as i wake up, i pray that i will stop calling, that i will stop texting...owell i just miss him. but still, i am determined to end it up...i know its gonna happen, though it might take some time, but I WILL DO IT. expectations...this put everything into tangled complications, but really as i came to think of it, its as simple as "i expected a lot, held on for too long, given out too much" that's why in the end, i was badly hurt. that's why i dont put all the blame on him, for in the first place, he never promised anything to me...i am the one to blame, because i let him do so. i did not protect myself as how i was warned beforehand. bad addiction to sum it up. i believe i just took the risk because of the hope that MAYBE, something good will happen. no one knows what's next, but my faith will lead me to the right person, i know God has a big plan, a beautiful one...i may have played a role in his life in a way only God knows and likewise he also has a purpose in my life...i love him, i am certain of that, maybe only time can mend what's broken and answer all the questions and give clarity to all of these. i guess this is where patience is much more needed. next time, i will let love find me...

12-28-08

times flies so fast...another year of my life had passed...well 2008 has been a good year to me..i regard it as "sakto". a good balance of good and not so good events.. this day i feel so loved, unfailing greetings really make my heart pound =) and that reminds me that even though something in my life is missing now, i have a lot more reason to ignore that gap and move on with joy because indeed, i am being loved by many people around me, most of all i have a very loving and supporting INTACT family. life's like this, there's no such thing as perfect...maybe what made this day a bit eerie is the fact that i am going through something hurtful right now, and in fact its still fresh. this morning i was able to talk to bau and pour out the emotions ive been keeping up for the past days...he empathized, well coming from a guy, now i know im not exagerrating... what he did was really hurtful, like how a good friend agreed. i know the following days will be better. as i went to church this morning, ive prayed solemnly for one thing, to give me the courage to move on, let go and forgive. it felt better, i know the Lord is with me always, and i am glad that i am able to share this to a friend whose situation is nonetheless similar to mine.

im now a year older, wiser and better...there's nothing more i am asking but be a better person each day of my existence. i know ill be able to do so, without any hatred, without hesitations, someday i am certain, things will fall into places including the love ive been saving...i know i could give more...

12-26-08

last night, it was full of tears. i really wanted to let it all out. i will surely miss him. i know ill get through this. this morning as i woke up, things are starting to sink in, no reason at all to greet him good morning, its about time to change the routine, no more gudnyts, no more whining and texting, no one to tell my angst, no more destressor, no one to look forward to talk to as i go home in the afternoon. everything will change, these are the reasons why i do cry a lot...i myself did not notice that that ive been clinging on him this tight already, i thought then as i was telling everyone else that he's no one, just the casual person i am fond of talking to, nothing special, but deep inside, i knew even before that i was just saying this out of shame that despite keeping up a special bond with this person, i am nevertheless, a non-significant person to him. now i let him go, i want him to grow, to realize his faults, and most of all learn to appreciate the people around him, those loving him unconditionally. i dont wanna sound heroic, a martyr, but in all honesty i really cannot feel any sort of anger, just plain sadness and longing, its all about yearning to have him completely, but i guess that won't happen. maybe this is again another story that i have no choice but end up simply because i do not have a choice. ill miss him more...

12-25-08

its a "merry" christmas. i had so much for this day, so much heartache. it was like all the pain and frustrations were showered upon me at once. i was able to handle it, but im still sort of in shock. i dont know if this feeling, though familiar, is simply a clone of how i felt years back, but just the same, it striked me hard. attachment, this has been my waterloo, a trap equipped with blades that could crush me anytime, that the more i struggle to escape, the harder it would stab. its indeed painful, im overwhelmed by all the things thrown upon me, and honestly i do not know how to handle, or maybe im too apprehensive to handle each that it seems impossible if i will be able to do so. bottomline: another phase of moving on, a different starting point. i thought through the years and kinds of relationships ive been into, this one is easier, no tangible attachment, no big deal, but i was reminded, that i have the same heart, that same heart broken many times before, that same heart with the same capacity to love but deteriorating as it becomes wounded many times...for sure ill be missing him, and as a rule, expecting is most of all prohibited. i just wish him well, though i know anger must be the rule here, i just can't...i really can't.

12-23-08

yesterday, dec 22, me and jp went out on a date **yay** ahahaha what a pleasant surprise. but actually, im not so sure if it's really a nice thing. im a bit bothered on where this one is going..just the other day i was on a big drama and anxiety...gawd, what a complicated situation i am in. sadly, i must admit its the two of us making the complications...ahm, actually its him that's so complicated. whatever, i just enjoyed the moment of being with him. though at some point i was a bit hesitant (well i dont know how to explain the hunches) and one thing more, what makes seeing him a bit wrong is going back to zero on my struggle to somehow detach from him. only God knows the reason...

12-20-08

today is the offical start of the so far first vacation we have for this school year. whew! it was almost perfect but then for the nth time it was ruined by errr only i would know.... i just figured out, no matter how much you give for one person it doesnt always mean getting back the same...or worse even getting the opposite of what ur giving. ahhh life sucks (at that certain area of my life) nothing is perfect...i got hurt, if frustrates me, it gets me furious and at the same time makes me realize what i should have realized early on. owell, i wallowed over this, at least to get desensitized, i dont wanna dwell on the thought further and make things harder for me. i just wish i could stand still with this decision of just disappearing...ITS NOT WORTH IT, REALLY... i figured, no matter how long, how much, all positive driving factors a person could give, if its one way, there's not even a speck of possibility that it would flourish, or climb up at that level you've been yearning to reach. argh...i am pissed, and more than that, i feel disrespectful towards him...MORON, MORON, MORON....im not good enough for him no matter what i do, on the other hand, i realized, if im not good, then he's even less of what's worse. I know God will take care of this very well...i just dont wanna entertain the bad thoughts and pain it gives me, not anymore, i had enough...

12-15-08

christmas is in the air, whew, finally now im feeling better that school stuff is finally unloading. almost having a perfect week to end up off to vacation, the only flaw, our medicine class this coming wednesday, i really wish it wouldn't be our turn to present in the preceptorial *crossed-fingers* anyway, im done with my paper, well almost if im not making any change on it.

tom, no classes, wee! twilight time! oh yes what a late bloomer haha coz the only time i can manage to read is at night time, which apparently i couldnt stand for more than an hour. Zzzzz

i was able to give out my presents for friends earlier today, the effort was all worth it REALLY =) i never thought they would like it that much, yes the personalized tumblers i made. aside of course from being able to give out, conceptualizing the design first hand for them was more of a satisfaction of my "hunger" for photoshop LOL.

it really feels light starting this week oh so right, i dunno, maybe the lesser school stuff makes me feel elated, kinda changed routine. though lectures are ongoing, the pressure is not that much. im enjoying this =)

im looking forward to ending this week seeing my old friends....well that will complete my Christmas, next thing, i know its going to be harder...especially that clerkship is fast approaching....i really hope everything will turn out right and move smoothly...yay another phase to start off...

this one's kinda long hmmm back to my reading

when truth is hidden

I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all...for not hating you which I know I should..but I can't.

exactly the words i wanted to tell him. its been a burden for the longest time, and eventually it leads me to certain conclusions that i myself wouldnt want to accept...

there are only three things:

1. he is a gay.
2. i dont matter to him.
3. he has someone else.

ive been trying to understand for the longest time, what the hell is the reason for dwelling into something without any speck of clarity. even the divine signs i have asked, i denied to accept and stick to...my heart is crying out, ignoring the pain, but my mind has been shouting this shouldnt be the way it is.

God is making ways for me to see...when should i believe, when will i let go.... when in just one call i would believe over and over....i need exhaustion, worse, maybe i need anger to suppress this stupidity and learn to stand alone....im loving the most insensitive, unfair and wrong person in this www....i hate yet i love more...

9-16

Im missing lots of people. Well i realized ive been too busy that i am missing much in life. I miss d good old days wen life for me was a lot lighter. Wen i dont have to think much and despite being busy, still being able to squeeze in other activities. Its a lot different now. As much as i want to spend some time to escape from the pressures of med world, time wouldnt really permit. I miss d easy life, the genuine laughs and crazy old days of hanging out and not thinking about tomorrow. It pains me coz as time passes by, people around me narrows down. Most already had a big difference in their lives. Oh well i chose the tedious path. And oftentimes its only by prayer and faith that i do to surpass all these. I hope this would end soon. I really wish God would send me an angel to make life a bit easier and happier dan now. I wanna end d misery. The misery of clinging on to a wrong person. The pain of expectations. It makes the load heavier. Maybe its my turn to be happy.

9-14

we have to count our blessings. im a strong believer of that. well sometimes life gets so boring as if nothing new is happening, everything seems so stagnant and monotonous. but God has little surprises that await us, we just have to be a bit keen in order to notice those.

sometimes we tend to dwell ourselves much on things that are trivial, or rather we're waiting or expecting from those things without noticing much that several things are already happening around. lesson is MOVE AROUND and help urself and enjoy as much as we can, thru the little and lightest things-->diversion is the key, otherwise life would be an early death that doesnt end.

9-13

one thing ive noticed, people whom i got involved with come and go, and come back again. probably for a different reason, that im not sure of. its just that i always give double effort to let go of those people and yet fate draws them back. i never wanted it this way, because it comes contrary to my expectations that as time passes the impact is lessened. sometimes i assess myself whether its my fault, but lately i realized ive been actively putting efforts to move on farther, but unexplainably they just come back. most of the time it brings me heartache. because ive got only one simple wish, that is to find that ONE who wouldnt leave me, who would stay for real, FOR GOOD, and it is frustrating that by coming back they give a constant reminder that still i am left alone. I dont know why of all people, they love to mess up with me when in fact i am not actually allowing them to do so. no matter how i shut up and put on large barriers, im always dragged...its not flattering, rather,it complicates everything while im progressively getting numb. i dont wanna hurt anyone, but that doesnt mean its me who's supposed to carry all the burden....its difficult. somehow at this point i really wanna be with that one who would protect me and save me from all of these. im tired....really tired....of all aspects of my life, this is where i am weakest. maybe because i indulge in giving much, and expecting less, and end up getting nothing from that least i am asking. its really ironic, when what you wish for is not given when in fact its just an inch away, and you keep on hiding on someone who keeps on searching for you....argh i complicate things because i face them one by one. i just cant afford to make a sweet escape, i dont want to leave things unsettled. i dont want the shortcuts because i know it will keep me wondering forever...what if...its unending...

8-27

its 12 am. gah! i was home as early as 1:00 this afternoon. and how did i spend the rest of the day??!!! play play play hahaha ive finished burger shop in a matter of two days (the story mode only) LOL like any of the addictive yahoo games. yah i know corny games but anyway did enjoy it big time (obviously). after goodbye bade to the aliens @@!**@@ haha dreamland called me once again...yes im so good at these sedentary, waste of time activities. i was not able to recover from the long weekend and made an extension haha...

i started my psych paper this evening (which btw i should have started during the weekend, but apparently i did not start a thing-->enjoy mode) and guess what i did not finish. argh, though im done with all the readings, i just cant organize my thoughts clearly yet, ill save them for tomorrow (dadadada im starting to feel guilty)

im actually trying to browse on these fcm trans to lessen the cramming tom morning...but on my way to the third page again.....dreamland sings "rock-a-bye leiza" hahaha. im soe dysfunctional...i dont even know how i was able to reach third year LOL

ill save my energy for next week...haist sometimes i wish i dont need to study and already making lots of money =P but then oh well it will all pay off **it will leiza ul see...**

its am....got a class at 7...i should be sleeping now ***YAWN***

7-11

everything's fast. its now july, whew and honestly im having a fair share of toxicity. what's new haha! highlights of this week, was able to finish our pedia precep (which btw was just squeezed in d sched, the paper is not finished yet! only the warding =S) uhm the community crap, presented the med precep, and of course, through with the med long test. whew. lots of things to do. and i always look forward to my rest day, friday. finally going to bed without thinking much. gawd please i hate to think! i ended this week with joy. like what i was telling my friend early this evening, happiness is created! haha and im a mighty creator in that sense. well simple joys for some, but a matter of reward for us med students. had a yummy early dinner today, got myself stuffs of happiness for this week (????? nonsense worldly stuff haha)...im just so lucky to somehow be able to manage, coz if not, ill be so burned out i swear!

i remember earlier this week, got almost drained because of the things i need to finish, plus the hassles of everything! grrrr whine whine whine! whenever im up in the middle of the night contemplating how things run in my life, im having thoughts of whether this is what i really wanted. realizing that i still have a long way to go, and even if i get there, still it wouldnt be easy. but whenever im in front of a patient, i just feel good thinking that the sacrifices im having for now would benefit many in the near future. somehow it eases the frustrations and stress, there's no one to help me but myself. argh, emoshit! i just feel so drained, i really wanted to enjoy, i miss going out, i miss the easy life. in times like this i long for something that's missing. -------->>>> IM SLEEPY

6-30

Another week again. 3rd wk of class already. Well toxic as expected. Finally through wid med thera whew! Were d lucky 1st group to present haha so we've eaten half of d period. I thought it was crashing but thanx to doc balt lol hehe and d rest of d group of course. Imp thing is were done and next case will be on third shift. Pedia is getting fun. Thanx to dra. She has a great humor and she's really into sharing her techniques in d clinics. I just enjoy it. Well im hoping dat d rest of d week will turn out well. Esp d exams. Nothng to blog but skul stuff...im sleepy

what i miss

just a while ago, i opened bk's friendster page. i just caught myself standing in front of the computer, i was listening to the tracks which we used to play. i miss being with them, i miss making music....while listening, it was like i am being brought to the old good high school days. it was different then. everything seemed so easy.

oh well seems like im being intoxicated by lots of school work. and btw i havent slept yet. my dry face really sucks im really having a difficult time, its hot and itchy and so panget! damn this skin. if i could only spill the entire bottle of cetaphil to get rid of this.

sleeping time. lots of things to do later.

Trial

Trying dis mobile blogger lol!

yipee

finally had a router installed hehe. kung alam ko lng n madali lng pla ikabit to i cud have bought earlier before. as expected im enjoying wifi inside d whole house to d nth power! lol even my fone is enjoying d power of wifi. im really happy coz i installed it all by myself. lol. a matter of achievement for computer geek wannabe like me. oh well got lots of stuff to finish since i did d installing first. 2m back to skul again haist.

6-22

mabagyong sunday. finally im having a chance to rest naman from school. its been more than two weeks since classes started, and in that span talagang wala p kong pahinga. even the weekend, puro school stuff pa rin. hay blessing talaga somehow itong bagyo ng makapahinga naman and more time to finish the things i need to accomplish.

hay sobrang kulang ang time, super talaga. kung dati toxic mas toxic ngaun. inuulan kme ng cases huhu. matrabaho p naman gawin. and hinahabol ko makapagbasa kc matatambakan talaga ako.

well so far ok naman, pati ang big class mejo napag adjustan ko n rin. sarap matulog zzzzzzz

06-11

ok classes started again yesterday. hmmm pero im gonna blog out bout skul stuff this coming weekend. im still compiling thoughts to write about LOLZ

just a moment ago, finally saw DA WHO ZOMG--a better look hahahaha i dont know but my pride is jumping with joy *haha poor personification* oh well MUKHA SIYANG BAKLA. i know i know im mean hahaha i just cant help but laugh at them....no wonder, REALLY NO WONDER why she's freakin out.

haist cge na aaral na ko.

5-20-08

hayyy super happy ako today. nabalik na ulit ang scholarship ko. akala ko talaga di na un bumabalik. waahhhh di ko expected super nakakatuwa =) well lalo akong ganado na magsipag mag-aral. 30 thou din ung natipid ko o diba hehehe and the best part of it is making my family happy and proud of me. Salamat talaga kay God, siguro ito ung kapalit ng mga pag eemote ko nitong mga nagdaang araw, and siyempre ng hardwork na rin. (though at some point petiks nga lang) hayyy ^_____________^

kasama ko si vego tian and sheng today, we had a great lunch at TOSH tapos cheesecake galore. dinayo talaga namin ang greenhills para lang mag cheesecake hahaha tapos got myself a new bottle of perfume haha gift ko naman sa sarili ko for a job well done =)

ayun masaya lang talaga ako ang bait talaga ni God, He really knows when and what to give. sabi nga ng mom ko kapag may hirap meron ding ginhawa hehehe HAPPYYYYY

5-18-08

bakit kaya ganon, habang nagtatagal parang nakakasawa na. nakakawalang gana. ang hirap ng malayo lang reinforcement, basta wala talagang kwenta. ang masaklap lumilipas ang lahat ng parang ganon lang na parang balewala lang lahat ng effort at pagpapasensiya. pakiramdam ko walang saysay lahat. gusto kong magalit mabuwisit, pero sawang sawa na ko, dahil sa huli ganon pa rin naman ang kalalabasan ng lahat. mawawala rin siya, gaya nilang lahat.

5-18

kakapagod. hay parang nakakasawa lahat ng bagay. ewan ko ba habang nagtatagal feeling ko nababagot ako at nalulungkot. daming bagay na nakakainis pero di mo naman kayang kontrolin. parang kahit anong gawin kong effort parang maging ok lahat wala pa rin dahil nga di ko kontrolado mga bagay bagay.

haayyyyy parang walang maganda nangyayari.

5-3

whew plakda ako. we had a surgical mission today at singalong. hehe first time nagtuli (late bloomer) eh kasi naman nung na-invite kami last year di nman kme umabot ni vego dahil galing sa swimming.

oh well masaya nman, kakapagod nga lang. pero ang saya kasi mababait ung mga kasama, and ang sarap pa ng food ( thanks kay bam and her family and sa chairman) hehe pero super ang init wah... this has been a long day =) and hopefully next week sasama ulit ako.

well for the nth time naiinis na naman ako sa kanya. shet hirap ala na talaga to, nararamdaman ko na nasa stage of decline na talaga to, tsk tsk and honestly kahit nabubuwisit akong aminin sa sarili ko, nasasaktan at nahihirapan din ako. tagal ko ng tinitiis to, shit talaga, samantalang dati i never even had a good impression on him, pucha hinayaan ko pang magtagal itong drawing na affair na to. shit kasi, bakit pa kailangang magbitiw ng mga ganong salita at pigilan ako na tigilan na to, ang plastik naman kasi, duh ok lang naman kasi talaga, mas nakakabuwisit na mag end up na ako na naman ung naunahan. bakit ba kasi napakatiyaga ko, nakikita ko n nga ung mga flaw nakukuha ko pa ring palampasin.

pero ha habang tumatagal, nakikita ko how rude he is. ah basta, in so many ways annoying na talaga. lalo lang napprove ung impression ko dati na mayabang (uber) pati na rin ang negative impression sa kaniya ng nakakarami. tsk tsk sayang ang chance na binigay ko. putang inang chance naman oh! akalain mo twice nangyari ung chance na yun, eh ang bobo ko pinagtyagaan ko pa rin, kasi akalain mo ba na umabot n ng mahigit isang taon. kahit diyosa ako, pusong tao p rin ko. sino ba namang hindi maaattach nun diba.

ang kinakatakot ko lang, ako ang taong pag nawalan ng gana, WALA na talaga. irreversible. napakatagal bago mangyari un (i.e. pag nasagad to the bones lang talaga ang pasensiya ko) at palapit na siya ng palapit dun.

sinayang lang niya lahat. nakakapagod na. TAENA ibang level sa pagddrawing tong isang to, LINTEK FINE ARTS HA FINE ARTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i had a wonderful day and a ruined night!!!!

DOCTOR

They work with herbs and penicillin.
They work with gentlenessand the scalpel.
They dig out the cancer,
close an incisionand say a prayerto the poverty of the skin.
They are not Godst
hough they would like to be;
they are only humantrying to fix up a human.
Many humans die.
They die like the tender,
palpitating berriesin November.
But all along the doctors remember:First do no harm.
They would kiss if it would heal.
It would not heal.
If the doctors cure
then the sun sees it.
If the doctors kill
then the earth hides it.
The doctors should fear arrogance
more than cardiac arrest.
If they are too proud, and some are,
then they leave home on horseback
but God returns them on foot.

4-25

magandang gising hahaha. i dont know i just feel happy today. everything was just right. siguro maganda lang talaga gising ko. and marami din akong nagawa today. no dull moment. plus si achi aga uwi and couzins went over. ayun kasi maraming tao. and basta ang bilis ng oras tas mejo maulan so hindi mainit ayun kaya ako in the mood =)

well kala ko kasi ang cause ng sunod sunod kong depression eh darkness...yeah attacks at night eh. nung nabasa ko kasi ung veronika decides to die, sabi dun isa sa cause ng depression ay kapag walang sunlight. pero today palagay ko, too much sun can cause depression din at bugnot hahahaha.....

uhm that kulit guy, hinihiritan na naman ako. well i just wanted to be polite and disprove na intimidating ako...*oh well tanggap ko naman na un ang utmost impression sakin ng mga tao* well partly let's say kasama un sa flowery words niya...hahaha i dont know up to when ako makakaiwas sa pagyaya niya mag-date. hay....ewan ko ba, bkt b ganun bakit ba walang matinong lalake...nakooooowwww. natawa ako sa pag-iwas niya sa topic. pano, gingagawa pang front na kesyo di na siya masaya sa gf niya, di daw compatible...ah lintek diba! banatan ko pa ng kayo talagang mga lalake ohhhh! eh tagal mong gf sabihin mo di compatible bobo ka pala eh ngaun mo lang naequate yan! (oi hindi ko naman sinabi ung bobo sa loob loob ko lang un, ung kayong mga lalake lang) eh kasi totoo naman, i really feel bad kapag nakakaencounter ako ng ganitong klase, akalain mo, they will start acting pathetic and bigo, but the truth is di lang talaga marunong makuntento......hayyyy sa dami n rin ng kalokohan ko dati, memorize ko na lahat ng uri ng pambobola, jusko! isang text or tawag p lng sakin lam ko na hilatsa...haiii, i wont let that be a plus pogi point on his part, well una sa lahat, wala siyang yagballs para i-settle yan within themselves, and worse, gagamitin pa para dumiskarte sa iba.....

as of my major minor problem (ung major ang adjective lol) yes minor kung tutuusin, ayun parang nauuntog na ko ng bahagya ah. nakakasawa din pala. ay talaga kung ayaw edi wag. na-realize ko sa dami din naman ng lumalapit sakin (ahem pero totoo naman walang halong yabang pramis) naisip ko bakit b ko nagddwell sa isang to, ay mahirap kapag di ka naaappreciate...dapat talaga di pinagpapapansin eh....sabi nga ng friend ko sana daw di pa huli ang lahat pag na-realize niya, sabi ko naman nako dude walang marerealize un...at mukhang nahuhuli na nga siya, shet ung helmet malapit na matanggal haiiiiiiiiii......ang gulo ko talaga, actually sila...ewan ko b nman

kasi naman feeling ko malas talaga ako sa mga relasyones...nakow parang roller coaster i swear parang see saw....ung gusto ko ayaw, ung gusto ako ayaw ko naman, pag may-i-exit na ko hahabol habol, tas ayaw ko naman ulet tas may mga dadating na panggulo na ayaw ko pa rin ====>>>ayyyy ako ang magulo ang gulo hahaha. nadala na ko eh sobrang nadala na....kaya di bale ng wlang jowa kesa saktan k lng diba.

hui

amf! binasa ko ung luma kong blogs dun sa friendster hahaha harrruuuuu un ung panahon ampalaya/bitter ocampo pa ako. ayyy grabe halatang hurt galore! at bakit parang ang galing ko mag-english dun! hahaha ganun ata pag pira-piraso ang puso naxxxxxxx mukhang soon ganon na naman ulet tatalino na naman ako hahaha punyeta ang sakit ng ulo ko sarap untog!

4-24

langya lakas na naman ng topak ko. its my sister's grad today and yeah enuf tickets for me to join them. haha at dahil sa mababaw na dahilan na wala akong maisip isuot ay hindi ako sumama. crap diba ako ba ay slash tinatamad o talagang bilog lang ang buwan. hay sumasakit din kasi ang ulo ko. nga lang di naman ako makatulog. buti n nga rin to para maaga akong makatulog mamayang gabi... ayan nalulungkot tuloy ako dito sa bahay....tampururot eching!

4-23

another boring day had passed, and i do not even know how i was able to handle the past weeks of this vacation without losing sanity. this morning i woke up feeling emoshitty *again* hell yeah the same old issue of my 'pseudorelationship' but then again ended up letting all my plans pass. haist im still in between, i cant make up my mind whether to drop him or not. i wanna drop him coz i feel hanging, but then i think that feeling of "hanging" is fairly relative, that would depend whether how much i cling on to this...i thought i can still handle suppressing the feeling of being in-love with the fact that we dont see each other for some time now. well its just that, i wanted to know whether ill be getting something good out of this, hay forget it....might as well enjoy the moment coz either way it will hurt if its gonna hurt. but i still pray that if this aint going somewhere better i just hope letting go wouldnt be terribly hurtful....

i felt so guilty today for exceeding a bit from my required diet. i just hate feeling full...yeah i so enjoy starving myself. and i felt bad for not working out as much as ive planned. im too lazy today, that sucks! i seriously wanna lose five more pounds...starvation mode starvation mode!

uhm i wish i could fall asleep early. its too humid and i cant even take a nap.

the pursuit of happyness

habang nagchichikahan kame ni jaja last night dahil sa mga pangyayaring di ko inaasahan (kinukuwento ko ung mga buraot) naputol ang usap dahil manonood daw siya ng the pursuit of happiness. ayun nakinuod na rin ako.

kuwento ni Chris Gardner....hay, nakakalungkot pero talagang na-inspire ako sa movie na to....NAKAKABILIB.

ang igsi lng nung movie pero talagang heart warming. pero isa siguro sa na-reflect ko eh ung FOCUS. sobrang focused niya kasi sa goal niya, kung ano ang gusto niya un lang talaga. wala lang, naisip ko lang dapat ganon din ako hehehe.

nakakaiyak ung scene na sa banyo sila natulog mag-ama.....hay, nakakalungkot isipin na may mga taong nakakaexperience ng ganon....pero lahat ng hirap nila, talagang nag pay off din naman =) sipag talaga at diskarte...wahehehe apektado daw talaga ako sa movie, di ko kasi napanood yan dati eh hehe =) TRUE STORY siya galing!

4-20

pasalubong ni achi to hongkong style noodles hehehe ayun masaya ako, ngayon ko nga lang nasabi kc last week pa to eh, tas tinatamad akong mag-blog.

nung weekend galing ako kay pawikan, dun ako natulog. badminton, tambay...a not so good day. may mga buraot kasing papansin sa buhay ko. grrrrr

ewan ko b naman kung bakit ako lapitin ng mga kaguluhan. kumusta naman tagal tagal na eh nadadamay pa ko sa mga kadramahan ng buhay nila.

kinabukasan greenhills galore hehehe salamat kay pawikan at masayang nasimulan ang linggo ko.

ngaun, more energy mas happy. pero nagiisip pa rin ako ng mga bagay bagay. hay paulit ulit na lang to kakabuwisit na. sana talaga mabigyang linaw na lahat dahil ayoko ng mag dwell sa mga useless na tao. sayang energy, sayang luha, sayang lahat.

4-13

napapadalas ang pagkainis ko ah. di ko na talaga maintindihan tong pinasok ko. simple lang naman sana pero hanggat magulo ang kausap mo wala talagang magulo ang lahat. nakakasakit nakakabuwisit, gusto mo bitawan pero ang hirap. dapat sanay na ko dito eh. dapat kayang kaya ko na. habang pinapatagal ko kasi lalo ko lang pinahihirapan ang sarili ko. panahon na rin para sumaya naman ako kesa naman ganito. bat ganun adik ata yun eh.

napulot ko lang at tinamaan ako

Pseudo-relationships...The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. (pwde rin MisUnderstanding.. Malabong Usapan.. and the like.. ) Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.

babae lagi ang lugi.

Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?

Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me," hindi "us."

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.

Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.

excerpt from: http://migzsanmiguel.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/2006/10/pseudorelations.html

4-10

kahapon--movie with jaja @ greenhills. hay init...were obviously bored big time hahaha and im glad ginabi ako ng uwi...we really wanted to kill time =)

today-- wla i just do not know pano nauubos ang oras ko maghapon doing nothing, at magbusy busyhan kahit na nonproductive naman....haist ang boring talaga bored bored bored at ang init init

4-7

im pissed. i thought this day is simply boring, like any other summer days. i dont know why things cant fall exactly as how i wanted it. maybe im running out of patience. i just dont understand why some people can manage to carry everything as if no emotions exist.

i thought then that everything is clear between the two of us, after that day of exchange of confessions re what really the hell is going on. the last time i remember that we talked about this high maintenance shit, i was about to turn my back and leave to untangle all the complications ive been dwelling in for the longest time, but he asked for a chance...a chance to do something about it.

i learned to just enjoy and simply make the most out of waiting, but then, here he comes talking about the future....he includes me, but those were jokes which i dont even know if somehow those were half meant, but all i know is that it pisses me.

i am truly bored, because its hard to manage something like this. keeping a relationship which i cant even call real, having someone whom i cant call mine, exchanging sweet words which i am not sure if he uttered sincerely.

i just cant understand him, that's why i concluded that it wouldnt really be the way i want it. he is always too safe, and the text he sent me a while ago was like a confirmation.

it hurts to keep someone who will keep you indefinitely. i know its my stupidity that i chose this kind of setup, i just dont know up to when i can take this.

buraot

ok isa isahin ang issues.

una sa lahat...third year na ko! yey....nagbunga din ang pagttiyaga ko. well may isa pa kong inaaspire bukod jan...oh well wag n muna yun.

bakasyon na, oh yes panahon upang magsaya, eh peste peste talaga....asan ang happenings! grrrrrrr im so pissed dahil bakit parang hindi itinadhana na magliwaliw ako grrrrrrrrrr.....

well hopefully pagkatapos ng grad ng kapatid ko e makapaglamyerda din ako...shit im so bored sobra talaga. parang mababaliw. i just hate empty vacations! dahil hindi ako sanay ng ganito...

ang daming iniisip dami kong inaalala...personal stuff...kaliwa't kanan na nakakainis n bagay! GRRRRRRRRRRR

punyeta pa isa pa ung lecheng lalake na yun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANG DRAWING DRAWING NIYA!....BAKIT BA LAHAT GANUN HA?!!!!

I HATE THIS DAY I HATE THIS WEEK. AT SANA NAMAN MAY MAGANDA NG MANGYARI BEFORE I RUN OUT OF SANITY!

buraot

scared

im so bothered by my present medical condition....too many differentials are blowing my mind right now...im really bothered. this one is kinda serious. ill consult a doctor soon =(

3-8

finally its the end of our shifting exams...too early to celebrate, two more weeks of finals...whew. im a bit regretful that i wasnt able to give a good shot with this week's roll of exams...i did not even exert efforts to stay up all night to finish everything. i just messed up. getting lazy reviewing and dragging my ass to answer the questions...*yawn* im too lethargic to be functional haha...

tom would be a bit of a break. im heading off to tagaytay with my mom...oh well unwind slash business get away....not bad

ive ordered that pretty susana bag from ebay...cant wait to have it...haha 11 hours i hope no one would bid me out LOL

uhm, me and esty had a great lunch at nestle creamery. *FULL AND ELATED" lovin the creamy pesto and ice cream cake....and the ice cream cake and the ice cream cake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we want more....

while driving home, we encountered too much traffic! grrrrrr and that annoying guy really pissed me. grrrrr im off to park coz were home and he insisted to pass *yeah he could pass actually* and he gave me that stupid mouthing and make faces damn! HINDI DAW SIYA KASYA! grrrrrrr its the front of our house haler so where else am i supposed to stop ayt! oh well trivial

im glad everyone's home, ill be having a happy weekend.... *STRETCH AND CURL UP IN BED* ^___^

2-27

whew this day has been so toxic. thank God it ended well....sobrang im so sleep-starved. kumusta naman ang pharma diba na cram ko magdamag....pesteng report yan oh...hanggang sa school gumagawa p ko ng powerpoint ko...well buti n lng finally natapos na and ok naman....

at isa pa tong micro, hahaha i wasnt able to finish the handouts suicide talaga to. buti n lng (at di ko rin inaasan) na magiging ok ang exam ko...iba talaga ang powers ng walang tulog...

sobrang drained n ko...buti n lng tama na di n ko nagdrive today pero shit naman sa bigat ung bag ko hayyyy.....its like im floating on my way home...sobrang antok n talaga ako.

ok time to sleep. i have to get up early para naman sa surgery "prax" sobrang kakapagod talaga at miss ko na ang buhay na normal...

*BIG YAWN*

2-24

i just stayed home all day...super inaabot ako ng katamaran. i really did miss this kind of life na pahila-hilata lang....oh well not quite....kc ang dami ko p ring iniisip at kailangang tapusin. kung kelan naman kc pa-end n school year tsaka naman tumatambak lahat ng gagawin grrrrrrr.....minsan natutulala n lng ako kc sobrang dito lang umiikot ang buhay ko....its either nasa school ako o nagcocomputer o naglalaboy..... not bad though kc nasisingit ko p naman ang lakwatsa...limited places to go to nga lang...

ang haba ng drug interactions bakit ganun! wahhhh i really wish i could finish my paper on this para may ma-accomplish naman ako sa long weekend ko...coz tom maglalamyerda n naman ako (not really)....haist....nakakaadik p naman mag sally's salon wakekek...ciao much things to finish =)

2-23

masaya ako today at pagod at the same time. i was able to accomplish few things...though it took me one whole day...hay traffic plus hassles....ayun, masaya coz shopping mode n naman...pero oh no im so broke again ang drama ng lola mo....waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh. when will i stop buying bags??? sobra na to kailangan ko n talagang palitan ang laman ng atm ko huhuhu im running out of storage n rin waaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i gotta sleep

last nyt

i talked to him in an attempt so simply end up everything. i just fee that things are already worthless. i am hanging without any assurance that things will end up well for both of us.

its a bit annoying that he wanted to keep me for his own benefit....how i hate those lines saying we help each other....help??? in some ways probably, but i am certain i can live my life without that "help". i wanna detach because i wanted something realistic. up to when will i wait...i just dont know....he's testing my patience....but for now ill stay...

welcome to my new blog

yah made this one coz i dont want those cross postings anymore...and i dunno how to disable it...anyway anything written here are not permitted to be copied or reposted elsewhere without my consent...thanks for the hit!