10-24-09

yesterday was our 2nd month together :) ang saya, im getting to know him better...at wala akong pagsisisi sa lahat lahat... having him in my life is the best decision i have made.

instead of the typical celebration, kakaiba ang nangyari kahapon, another phase of our journey... we were both from our duty, but sa kanya was his last duty as an om resident...i feel sad, mamimiss ko ung mga pagsilip silip namin sa isat isa while in the hospital, our meals together, ung paggising ko sa knya ng madaling araw at kunwari manghihiram ng dugo hehehe. good thing, he settled in a nearby place, magkikita pa rin naman kme palagi...yesterday, inayos namin ung place nya, bought things for the room...the first time i saw him grumpy, ang hon mainipin at mejo mainitin din pala ang ulo, very agile dahil allergic sa shopping...hehehehe typical guy. i love watching him do the guy's chore, ung mga pagmamartilyo at pawis pawis tapos magsusungit...hehehe tapos magugutom at masungit ulit... hehe inis na inis sya while i was laughing at him, kasi naman agit. pero sa totoo nacucute-an lng talaga ako. :) weve spent the entire day and night together... masaya ako.

i love him so much... ang dami ng nangyari since day 1, another phase na naman, he's reviewing for his diplomate exam...pero alam ko naman kayang kaya ni hon yan :)) all my support to his endeavors...kaya kahit wala akong tulog, go go lang.

10-25-09

tagal na akong di nakapag post. dami ng nangyari...hmmm surgery rotation is about to end..masaya, sobrang masaya kahit nakakapagod...new friends, people who got closer to me...2 rotations to go and clerkship will finally be over :) hay i just hope i could settle my papers soon para matapos na ang hassle...

but the real highlight here eh siempre ang lurve life hehehe...i just cant believe i finally found him after the long wait. at sana eto na talaga... patho rotation has been a blessing, kasi dun nya ko nakita hehehe and the story goes on :) i found my male counterpart, i just cant describe how happy i am right now, really happy, blessed and nothing more to ask for...kumpleto na ang buhay ko :)

masaya ako

We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone— we find it with another.

August 24, 2009

Dr. Ike Manuel Flores


i found him :) i love you honey...

finally another post

its been ages since the last time i posted here. after that exhausting IM rotation, finally im having a life again. temporarily no night duties. sarap talaga. im enjoying my derma rotation big time. stress free and pretty people surrounds me. plus weekends off haist nothing beats minors. except of course ENT rotation, haist it scares me. pero that will roughly be a month from now so im going to enjoy first :))

03-25-09

half day today...thanks it was our turn to continue the implementation paper. this day was fairly light thank goodness. i was able to claim my prc id before lunch break, grabbed the ham and cheese sandwich at dunkin donuts which ive been craving for the past days yey, and i was able to meet ayla after more than a year of not seeing her.

this day is happy, i was able to do stuff that somehow would make me forget the weekend's not so good experience.

we've talked of gossips re- how the people from other wards are doing. it scares me yes, but the thought of it makes me more tired than scared. im still in that state of thinking twice if this is what i really wanted to do. may sound ridiculous but experiencing it first hand would justify it all.

i am plainly not happy as of now. and i dont understand power tripping period. im observing how my friends are doing now thru facebook...most of them (probably all of them) are earning their own money, some, have their own families, etc etc...i dont know but part of me felt envious of the lesser burden they're going through...i feel as if this life i have chosen is the more difficult path when in reality an easier one is waiting for me...whenever i feel this way, i bear in mind that patience is a virtue....problem is, i still dont know if the fruit of all sacrifices would really be as sweet as how i have thought, probably not until i already have it...

the worse is yet to come...

FIN

it finally met its end...no, i finally ended up this long-time piece of shit. and so its true, there is always a saturation point, and when that is reached, everything will change. this is what i was afraid of, not because i cannot let go, but, the moment i walk out, there's no way i will look back...it has been a struggle for the longest time, i must say i have been so brave in taking all the risks and fighting for the person ive been dreaming to be with...but, as time passed by, it became crystal clear that ive been dwelling into a sort of one-way funnel-->you pour it all out too fast, then nothing's left and that's it, IT HAS FOREVER BEEN ONE WAY. im proud of myself because i know ive been patient, brave, hopeful...i have given it all only to learn that he is just not worth it-->simple reason, he is not into me.

i thought it would be difficult...yes, who wouldn't have a hard time forgetting the pain of being fooled, and worse i really feel i was USED...when you love someone you just don't see all of the flaws, even if it doesnt feel right anymore, you still give in, you still trust, you still love him. one day, you'll get tired, and soon realize that this person never took time to appreciate you...worse, jealousy really kills...especially when you get to see how much the one you love favors the other one--that one who really owns his heart.

i dont understand how people can afford to hurt others...at least in such a way that they are fully aware that what they are doing is wrong...that someone is hurting. greed, selfishness...though its painful to accept but yes, that person you once loved is that same greedy self-centered monster that has the capability to destroy you.

but then, just like what my guy friends were telling me, the key in ending up the misery is right here in my hands...maybe i thought it was difficult, but now finally it uncovered that reality is a lot easier than how i thought it was. it all lies in courage, and love for oneself...

thinking things out

the past days were on and off struggle to let go...well as expected, its not that easy...it doesnt happen overnight. every morning as i wake up, i pray that i will stop calling, that i will stop texting...owell i just miss him. but still, i am determined to end it up...i know its gonna happen, though it might take some time, but I WILL DO IT. expectations...this put everything into tangled complications, but really as i came to think of it, its as simple as "i expected a lot, held on for too long, given out too much" that's why in the end, i was badly hurt. that's why i dont put all the blame on him, for in the first place, he never promised anything to me...i am the one to blame, because i let him do so. i did not protect myself as how i was warned beforehand. bad addiction to sum it up. i believe i just took the risk because of the hope that MAYBE, something good will happen. no one knows what's next, but my faith will lead me to the right person, i know God has a big plan, a beautiful one...i may have played a role in his life in a way only God knows and likewise he also has a purpose in my life...i love him, i am certain of that, maybe only time can mend what's broken and answer all the questions and give clarity to all of these. i guess this is where patience is much more needed. next time, i will let love find me...

12-28-08

times flies so fast...another year of my life had passed...well 2008 has been a good year to me..i regard it as "sakto". a good balance of good and not so good events.. this day i feel so loved, unfailing greetings really make my heart pound =) and that reminds me that even though something in my life is missing now, i have a lot more reason to ignore that gap and move on with joy because indeed, i am being loved by many people around me, most of all i have a very loving and supporting INTACT family. life's like this, there's no such thing as perfect...maybe what made this day a bit eerie is the fact that i am going through something hurtful right now, and in fact its still fresh. this morning i was able to talk to bau and pour out the emotions ive been keeping up for the past days...he empathized, well coming from a guy, now i know im not exagerrating... what he did was really hurtful, like how a good friend agreed. i know the following days will be better. as i went to church this morning, ive prayed solemnly for one thing, to give me the courage to move on, let go and forgive. it felt better, i know the Lord is with me always, and i am glad that i am able to share this to a friend whose situation is nonetheless similar to mine.

im now a year older, wiser and better...there's nothing more i am asking but be a better person each day of my existence. i know ill be able to do so, without any hatred, without hesitations, someday i am certain, things will fall into places including the love ive been saving...i know i could give more...

12-26-08

last night, it was full of tears. i really wanted to let it all out. i will surely miss him. i know ill get through this. this morning as i woke up, things are starting to sink in, no reason at all to greet him good morning, its about time to change the routine, no more gudnyts, no more whining and texting, no one to tell my angst, no more destressor, no one to look forward to talk to as i go home in the afternoon. everything will change, these are the reasons why i do cry a lot...i myself did not notice that that ive been clinging on him this tight already, i thought then as i was telling everyone else that he's no one, just the casual person i am fond of talking to, nothing special, but deep inside, i knew even before that i was just saying this out of shame that despite keeping up a special bond with this person, i am nevertheless, a non-significant person to him. now i let him go, i want him to grow, to realize his faults, and most of all learn to appreciate the people around him, those loving him unconditionally. i dont wanna sound heroic, a martyr, but in all honesty i really cannot feel any sort of anger, just plain sadness and longing, its all about yearning to have him completely, but i guess that won't happen. maybe this is again another story that i have no choice but end up simply because i do not have a choice. ill miss him more...

12-25-08

its a "merry" christmas. i had so much for this day, so much heartache. it was like all the pain and frustrations were showered upon me at once. i was able to handle it, but im still sort of in shock. i dont know if this feeling, though familiar, is simply a clone of how i felt years back, but just the same, it striked me hard. attachment, this has been my waterloo, a trap equipped with blades that could crush me anytime, that the more i struggle to escape, the harder it would stab. its indeed painful, im overwhelmed by all the things thrown upon me, and honestly i do not know how to handle, or maybe im too apprehensive to handle each that it seems impossible if i will be able to do so. bottomline: another phase of moving on, a different starting point. i thought through the years and kinds of relationships ive been into, this one is easier, no tangible attachment, no big deal, but i was reminded, that i have the same heart, that same heart broken many times before, that same heart with the same capacity to love but deteriorating as it becomes wounded many times...for sure ill be missing him, and as a rule, expecting is most of all prohibited. i just wish him well, though i know anger must be the rule here, i just can't...i really can't.

12-23-08

yesterday, dec 22, me and jp went out on a date **yay** ahahaha what a pleasant surprise. but actually, im not so sure if it's really a nice thing. im a bit bothered on where this one is going..just the other day i was on a big drama and anxiety...gawd, what a complicated situation i am in. sadly, i must admit its the two of us making the complications...ahm, actually its him that's so complicated. whatever, i just enjoyed the moment of being with him. though at some point i was a bit hesitant (well i dont know how to explain the hunches) and one thing more, what makes seeing him a bit wrong is going back to zero on my struggle to somehow detach from him. only God knows the reason...

12-20-08

today is the offical start of the so far first vacation we have for this school year. whew! it was almost perfect but then for the nth time it was ruined by errr only i would know.... i just figured out, no matter how much you give for one person it doesnt always mean getting back the same...or worse even getting the opposite of what ur giving. ahhh life sucks (at that certain area of my life) nothing is perfect...i got hurt, if frustrates me, it gets me furious and at the same time makes me realize what i should have realized early on. owell, i wallowed over this, at least to get desensitized, i dont wanna dwell on the thought further and make things harder for me. i just wish i could stand still with this decision of just disappearing...ITS NOT WORTH IT, REALLY... i figured, no matter how long, how much, all positive driving factors a person could give, if its one way, there's not even a speck of possibility that it would flourish, or climb up at that level you've been yearning to reach. argh...i am pissed, and more than that, i feel disrespectful towards him...MORON, MORON, MORON....im not good enough for him no matter what i do, on the other hand, i realized, if im not good, then he's even less of what's worse. I know God will take care of this very well...i just dont wanna entertain the bad thoughts and pain it gives me, not anymore, i had enough...

12-15-08

christmas is in the air, whew, finally now im feeling better that school stuff is finally unloading. almost having a perfect week to end up off to vacation, the only flaw, our medicine class this coming wednesday, i really wish it wouldn't be our turn to present in the preceptorial *crossed-fingers* anyway, im done with my paper, well almost if im not making any change on it.

tom, no classes, wee! twilight time! oh yes what a late bloomer haha coz the only time i can manage to read is at night time, which apparently i couldnt stand for more than an hour. Zzzzz

i was able to give out my presents for friends earlier today, the effort was all worth it REALLY =) i never thought they would like it that much, yes the personalized tumblers i made. aside of course from being able to give out, conceptualizing the design first hand for them was more of a satisfaction of my "hunger" for photoshop LOL.

it really feels light starting this week oh so right, i dunno, maybe the lesser school stuff makes me feel elated, kinda changed routine. though lectures are ongoing, the pressure is not that much. im enjoying this =)

im looking forward to ending this week seeing my old friends....well that will complete my Christmas, next thing, i know its going to be harder...especially that clerkship is fast approaching....i really hope everything will turn out right and move smoothly...yay another phase to start off...

this one's kinda long hmmm back to my reading

when truth is hidden

I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all...for not hating you which I know I should..but I can't.

exactly the words i wanted to tell him. its been a burden for the longest time, and eventually it leads me to certain conclusions that i myself wouldnt want to accept...

there are only three things:

1. he is a gay.
2. i dont matter to him.
3. he has someone else.

ive been trying to understand for the longest time, what the hell is the reason for dwelling into something without any speck of clarity. even the divine signs i have asked, i denied to accept and stick to...my heart is crying out, ignoring the pain, but my mind has been shouting this shouldnt be the way it is.

God is making ways for me to see...when should i believe, when will i let go.... when in just one call i would believe over and over....i need exhaustion, worse, maybe i need anger to suppress this stupidity and learn to stand alone....im loving the most insensitive, unfair and wrong person in this www....i hate yet i love more...

9-16

Im missing lots of people. Well i realized ive been too busy that i am missing much in life. I miss d good old days wen life for me was a lot lighter. Wen i dont have to think much and despite being busy, still being able to squeeze in other activities. Its a lot different now. As much as i want to spend some time to escape from the pressures of med world, time wouldnt really permit. I miss d easy life, the genuine laughs and crazy old days of hanging out and not thinking about tomorrow. It pains me coz as time passes by, people around me narrows down. Most already had a big difference in their lives. Oh well i chose the tedious path. And oftentimes its only by prayer and faith that i do to surpass all these. I hope this would end soon. I really wish God would send me an angel to make life a bit easier and happier dan now. I wanna end d misery. The misery of clinging on to a wrong person. The pain of expectations. It makes the load heavier. Maybe its my turn to be happy.

9-14

we have to count our blessings. im a strong believer of that. well sometimes life gets so boring as if nothing new is happening, everything seems so stagnant and monotonous. but God has little surprises that await us, we just have to be a bit keen in order to notice those.

sometimes we tend to dwell ourselves much on things that are trivial, or rather we're waiting or expecting from those things without noticing much that several things are already happening around. lesson is MOVE AROUND and help urself and enjoy as much as we can, thru the little and lightest things-->diversion is the key, otherwise life would be an early death that doesnt end.

9-13

one thing ive noticed, people whom i got involved with come and go, and come back again. probably for a different reason, that im not sure of. its just that i always give double effort to let go of those people and yet fate draws them back. i never wanted it this way, because it comes contrary to my expectations that as time passes the impact is lessened. sometimes i assess myself whether its my fault, but lately i realized ive been actively putting efforts to move on farther, but unexplainably they just come back. most of the time it brings me heartache. because ive got only one simple wish, that is to find that ONE who wouldnt leave me, who would stay for real, FOR GOOD, and it is frustrating that by coming back they give a constant reminder that still i am left alone. I dont know why of all people, they love to mess up with me when in fact i am not actually allowing them to do so. no matter how i shut up and put on large barriers, im always dragged...its not flattering, rather,it complicates everything while im progressively getting numb. i dont wanna hurt anyone, but that doesnt mean its me who's supposed to carry all the burden....its difficult. somehow at this point i really wanna be with that one who would protect me and save me from all of these. im tired....really tired....of all aspects of my life, this is where i am weakest. maybe because i indulge in giving much, and expecting less, and end up getting nothing from that least i am asking. its really ironic, when what you wish for is not given when in fact its just an inch away, and you keep on hiding on someone who keeps on searching for you....argh i complicate things because i face them one by one. i just cant afford to make a sweet escape, i dont want to leave things unsettled. i dont want the shortcuts because i know it will keep me wondering forever...what if...its unending...

8-27

its 12 am. gah! i was home as early as 1:00 this afternoon. and how did i spend the rest of the day??!!! play play play hahaha ive finished burger shop in a matter of two days (the story mode only) LOL like any of the addictive yahoo games. yah i know corny games but anyway did enjoy it big time (obviously). after goodbye bade to the aliens @@!**@@ haha dreamland called me once again...yes im so good at these sedentary, waste of time activities. i was not able to recover from the long weekend and made an extension haha...

i started my psych paper this evening (which btw i should have started during the weekend, but apparently i did not start a thing-->enjoy mode) and guess what i did not finish. argh, though im done with all the readings, i just cant organize my thoughts clearly yet, ill save them for tomorrow (dadadada im starting to feel guilty)

im actually trying to browse on these fcm trans to lessen the cramming tom morning...but on my way to the third page again.....dreamland sings "rock-a-bye leiza" hahaha. im soe dysfunctional...i dont even know how i was able to reach third year LOL

ill save my energy for next week...haist sometimes i wish i dont need to study and already making lots of money =P but then oh well it will all pay off **it will leiza ul see...**

its am....got a class at 7...i should be sleeping now ***YAWN***

7-11

everything's fast. its now july, whew and honestly im having a fair share of toxicity. what's new haha! highlights of this week, was able to finish our pedia precep (which btw was just squeezed in d sched, the paper is not finished yet! only the warding =S) uhm the community crap, presented the med precep, and of course, through with the med long test. whew. lots of things to do. and i always look forward to my rest day, friday. finally going to bed without thinking much. gawd please i hate to think! i ended this week with joy. like what i was telling my friend early this evening, happiness is created! haha and im a mighty creator in that sense. well simple joys for some, but a matter of reward for us med students. had a yummy early dinner today, got myself stuffs of happiness for this week (????? nonsense worldly stuff haha)...im just so lucky to somehow be able to manage, coz if not, ill be so burned out i swear!

i remember earlier this week, got almost drained because of the things i need to finish, plus the hassles of everything! grrrr whine whine whine! whenever im up in the middle of the night contemplating how things run in my life, im having thoughts of whether this is what i really wanted. realizing that i still have a long way to go, and even if i get there, still it wouldnt be easy. but whenever im in front of a patient, i just feel good thinking that the sacrifices im having for now would benefit many in the near future. somehow it eases the frustrations and stress, there's no one to help me but myself. argh, emoshit! i just feel so drained, i really wanted to enjoy, i miss going out, i miss the easy life. in times like this i long for something that's missing. -------->>>> IM SLEEPY

6-30

Another week again. 3rd wk of class already. Well toxic as expected. Finally through wid med thera whew! Were d lucky 1st group to present haha so we've eaten half of d period. I thought it was crashing but thanx to doc balt lol hehe and d rest of d group of course. Imp thing is were done and next case will be on third shift. Pedia is getting fun. Thanx to dra. She has a great humor and she's really into sharing her techniques in d clinics. I just enjoy it. Well im hoping dat d rest of d week will turn out well. Esp d exams. Nothng to blog but skul stuff...im sleepy