when truth is hidden

I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all...for not hating you which I know I should..but I can't.

exactly the words i wanted to tell him. its been a burden for the longest time, and eventually it leads me to certain conclusions that i myself wouldnt want to accept...

there are only three things:

1. he is a gay.
2. i dont matter to him.
3. he has someone else.

ive been trying to understand for the longest time, what the hell is the reason for dwelling into something without any speck of clarity. even the divine signs i have asked, i denied to accept and stick to...my heart is crying out, ignoring the pain, but my mind has been shouting this shouldnt be the way it is.

God is making ways for me to see...when should i believe, when will i let go.... when in just one call i would believe over and over....i need exhaustion, worse, maybe i need anger to suppress this stupidity and learn to stand alone....im loving the most insensitive, unfair and wrong person in this www....i hate yet i love more...

9-16

Im missing lots of people. Well i realized ive been too busy that i am missing much in life. I miss d good old days wen life for me was a lot lighter. Wen i dont have to think much and despite being busy, still being able to squeeze in other activities. Its a lot different now. As much as i want to spend some time to escape from the pressures of med world, time wouldnt really permit. I miss d easy life, the genuine laughs and crazy old days of hanging out and not thinking about tomorrow. It pains me coz as time passes by, people around me narrows down. Most already had a big difference in their lives. Oh well i chose the tedious path. And oftentimes its only by prayer and faith that i do to surpass all these. I hope this would end soon. I really wish God would send me an angel to make life a bit easier and happier dan now. I wanna end d misery. The misery of clinging on to a wrong person. The pain of expectations. It makes the load heavier. Maybe its my turn to be happy.

9-14

we have to count our blessings. im a strong believer of that. well sometimes life gets so boring as if nothing new is happening, everything seems so stagnant and monotonous. but God has little surprises that await us, we just have to be a bit keen in order to notice those.

sometimes we tend to dwell ourselves much on things that are trivial, or rather we're waiting or expecting from those things without noticing much that several things are already happening around. lesson is MOVE AROUND and help urself and enjoy as much as we can, thru the little and lightest things-->diversion is the key, otherwise life would be an early death that doesnt end.

9-13

one thing ive noticed, people whom i got involved with come and go, and come back again. probably for a different reason, that im not sure of. its just that i always give double effort to let go of those people and yet fate draws them back. i never wanted it this way, because it comes contrary to my expectations that as time passes the impact is lessened. sometimes i assess myself whether its my fault, but lately i realized ive been actively putting efforts to move on farther, but unexplainably they just come back. most of the time it brings me heartache. because ive got only one simple wish, that is to find that ONE who wouldnt leave me, who would stay for real, FOR GOOD, and it is frustrating that by coming back they give a constant reminder that still i am left alone. I dont know why of all people, they love to mess up with me when in fact i am not actually allowing them to do so. no matter how i shut up and put on large barriers, im always dragged...its not flattering, rather,it complicates everything while im progressively getting numb. i dont wanna hurt anyone, but that doesnt mean its me who's supposed to carry all the burden....its difficult. somehow at this point i really wanna be with that one who would protect me and save me from all of these. im tired....really tired....of all aspects of my life, this is where i am weakest. maybe because i indulge in giving much, and expecting less, and end up getting nothing from that least i am asking. its really ironic, when what you wish for is not given when in fact its just an inch away, and you keep on hiding on someone who keeps on searching for you....argh i complicate things because i face them one by one. i just cant afford to make a sweet escape, i dont want to leave things unsettled. i dont want the shortcuts because i know it will keep me wondering forever...what if...its unending...

8-27

its 12 am. gah! i was home as early as 1:00 this afternoon. and how did i spend the rest of the day??!!! play play play hahaha ive finished burger shop in a matter of two days (the story mode only) LOL like any of the addictive yahoo games. yah i know corny games but anyway did enjoy it big time (obviously). after goodbye bade to the aliens @@!**@@ haha dreamland called me once again...yes im so good at these sedentary, waste of time activities. i was not able to recover from the long weekend and made an extension haha...

i started my psych paper this evening (which btw i should have started during the weekend, but apparently i did not start a thing-->enjoy mode) and guess what i did not finish. argh, though im done with all the readings, i just cant organize my thoughts clearly yet, ill save them for tomorrow (dadadada im starting to feel guilty)

im actually trying to browse on these fcm trans to lessen the cramming tom morning...but on my way to the third page again.....dreamland sings "rock-a-bye leiza" hahaha. im soe dysfunctional...i dont even know how i was able to reach third year LOL

ill save my energy for next week...haist sometimes i wish i dont need to study and already making lots of money =P but then oh well it will all pay off **it will leiza ul see...**

its am....got a class at 7...i should be sleeping now ***YAWN***

7-11

everything's fast. its now july, whew and honestly im having a fair share of toxicity. what's new haha! highlights of this week, was able to finish our pedia precep (which btw was just squeezed in d sched, the paper is not finished yet! only the warding =S) uhm the community crap, presented the med precep, and of course, through with the med long test. whew. lots of things to do. and i always look forward to my rest day, friday. finally going to bed without thinking much. gawd please i hate to think! i ended this week with joy. like what i was telling my friend early this evening, happiness is created! haha and im a mighty creator in that sense. well simple joys for some, but a matter of reward for us med students. had a yummy early dinner today, got myself stuffs of happiness for this week (????? nonsense worldly stuff haha)...im just so lucky to somehow be able to manage, coz if not, ill be so burned out i swear!

i remember earlier this week, got almost drained because of the things i need to finish, plus the hassles of everything! grrrr whine whine whine! whenever im up in the middle of the night contemplating how things run in my life, im having thoughts of whether this is what i really wanted. realizing that i still have a long way to go, and even if i get there, still it wouldnt be easy. but whenever im in front of a patient, i just feel good thinking that the sacrifices im having for now would benefit many in the near future. somehow it eases the frustrations and stress, there's no one to help me but myself. argh, emoshit! i just feel so drained, i really wanted to enjoy, i miss going out, i miss the easy life. in times like this i long for something that's missing. -------->>>> IM SLEEPY

6-30

Another week again. 3rd wk of class already. Well toxic as expected. Finally through wid med thera whew! Were d lucky 1st group to present haha so we've eaten half of d period. I thought it was crashing but thanx to doc balt lol hehe and d rest of d group of course. Imp thing is were done and next case will be on third shift. Pedia is getting fun. Thanx to dra. She has a great humor and she's really into sharing her techniques in d clinics. I just enjoy it. Well im hoping dat d rest of d week will turn out well. Esp d exams. Nothng to blog but skul stuff...im sleepy